What it is all about

Every once in a while I step back and take a good look at me as a mother. This past week has been one of those times. I must admit sometimes I get so caught up with the day-to-day logistics, I forget what *it* is all about. It seems like there is a predominent message in our culture where we are trying to mold our children. It's as if we fail to recognize that our children are inherently good. That each child grow at different rates. Have different gifts. Parents are trying to schedule a baby's sleeping habits. We are encouraged to rush our children into everything, from sports to learning to read. There are books and books on how to train a baby to be independent. I guess, I could have easily been one of those parents. However, in my situation, ignorance was bliss. When I was pregnant with my first child, I didn't have time to read parenting books. I was too busy planning cross-country moves and learning to manage a household. Before I knew it, I had my child in my arms. Even then I didn't read any book. We were moving again and time to read was a leisure I didn't have. I just simply trusted my instinct. When a baby cries, something in you just aches to hold him. It's natural. I remember the first time, we fell asleep on the bed nursing. It was the first time I slept so soundly through the night. It felt natural. Before too long, C. joined us permanently. We didn't consult any books. Checked any guidelines on what should be developing at what stage. If you spend time with your child. Get to really know him, you would know that something is amiss.

But that's not what I'm really blogging about. What has been on my mind isn't about attachment parenting. What I've been thinking and praying about is the type of mother I want to be. Not the mother I naturally am. It is a work in progress. You see, a year ago after I finally got the hang of running a household and catering to little feet, I thought long and hard about the memories I want my children to have of me. Of us. What is truly important. My children simply want me. They want me to listen to them. To understand that their interests and passions are important. They want to be with me. Everywhere I go. And I want to give them that. I want them to look back at the time when they were with mom and smile. I want their hearts to swell with a warm and fuzzy feeling. To think of home as the place where it's peaceful, safe yet active. When you can smell something good and wholesome cooking over the stove. When we sleep at night, both children insists on holding my hand while they drift to bed. Both press their darling little bodies against mine. It makes me smile. It seems so easy to describe it now, but to obtain it is not. To be actively present, one needs to clear one's mind. To stop thinking of the million and one things to do so perfection can be achieved. It means being cheerful and gentle when really you want to be otherwise. It's understanding that there is no self and this is truly a time in your life to serve others. And that all things you do for yourself is actually for them. For you cannot be there for your kids if you are constantly sick, depressed or tired. And you cannot obtain peace if your house is constantly in a mess.

I asked a dear friend of mine whether she was naturally cheerful. She replied saying it wasn't about being naturally this or that. It's about the consequences if you were not. Yes, we all have different temperments. But the truth of the matter is that you have a huge bearing on the atmosphere in your home. When you are grumpy, everyone in the family is affected. That's how subtle yet vital the role of a mother is. It's about new habits to develop. New attitudes. It's about bending your will to that of His. Knowing who you are just means you know your starting point. I want to be more. I want gentleness, cheerfulness and active participation. It isn't easy. It isn't me. But I know I can become that. Not all saints started off being saints. But they became one through God's grace.

So I'm going to work on it. Read literature that renforces my goal. Write down thoughts of gratitude, good cheer and peace. Write it down often until it become a natural part of heart. Pray often. When my thoughts are naturally turned towards Good, actions and reactions will reflect that. I've done it before. I know from past experiences that by changing mental thoughts, you can change habits, attitudes and actions. It isn't easy. But motherhood is about self-sacrifice. Smiling, not frowning. Cleaning, not checking on the computer. Going to see the new fascination, not talking on the phone. Because strangely enough, when I give more of me, I get more of me back.